Stair Climbing

It is a good start to another week. Christmas is no officially on it's way with all the snow and Dec 1 tomorrow. The week is off to a good start. I had my work out tonight and it was fantastic! Kendra really kicked my ass! Kids are happy and asleep all is well. Just need husband home to make it even better,soon he will be.

I wasn't sure how my idea of the boudoir photos would settle in my thoughts. But I told people today, and yes, I AM pretty excited. I wrote my list last night of all I want to do to prep - like gel nails, some tanning, maybe some waxing. I definitely want an absolutely amazing piece of lingerie. I want it to be out of this world. Maybe I will wait for Boxing day sales to find a wicked piece. I am really excited, I am almost giddy! I like having a real goal and not a 'weight loss' goal. That seems like such a general goal. I almost say it and think it for a week or two and then lose interest. I believe these photos are a more tangible goal for me. I can almost picture myself posing, make up, hair, lights flashing. It really makes all the working out and nutrition seem like the steps to climb up to my goal. You don't actually focus on each stair like it is a struggle or a challenge. The focus is at the top of the stairs. and when you get there, you don't just stop, you carry on to the next flight. Hmmm, I like it. I love it. I think I climbed my first step by putting my plan into motion.

Goal this week: Cardio 3X and 2 weight classes,
Goal tomorrow: TRX class in evening

Time for sleep, my body is aching from my workout.

I'm Back

I gave up writing because I got weirded out how people felt connected to me by reading my blog. But that is what a Blog is all about. It wasn't really everyone, it was only one person and now that person is a blip in the memory. It wasn't anything major that happened, it just made me think being more reclusive is better. That kinda sucks for a social girl like myself. I have been away a long time, and I really threw myself into being busy. Somehow, I forgot about all the people close to me and how much I loved doing other things other than work. Don't get me wrong, I love work and everyone there. but today I saw a friend who had a baby 7 weeks ago and I hadn't even bought a gift or saw the baby. I felt really stupid mumbling that I let time get away from me. But that is the truth, I did think about her and the baby, but would tell myself that I am too busy and will do it next week. Now I fill crappy for not doing it in the first place.

Today opened my thoughts to alot of things, I have put my own goals on hold for, well pretty much forever. I love doing things for other people, I love helping people, it makes me feel so good. So why do I feel so crappy when I eat crappy food, skip exercise, not sleep, be stressed, etc - I do it to myself. Why don't I care about ME? I met a photographer that does boudoir photography and I REALLY want to have my picture taken. I love looking at the women in Playboy, the pictures are tasteful and so empowering and sexy. I want a super hot picture of ME! I want to do it, more than I have wanted anything.

February is my goal, 3 months. I am going to talk to the trainers on Monday. I want a specific program, I need a hard line with me, I want focus and determination. I have to eat right. That is so hard for me, I fall off the food wagon all the time. I start out great and then I dump off or rather jump off. I had a Whopper tonight. It is like I pushed the voice telling me "don't do it, you will regret it, you will feel like shit afterwards" right out of my head. Complete denial. And YES I do feel like shit!

I am going to keep writing in this blog, whether it is read or not. Point is: I like it and it makes me accountable. I am going to set daily, weekly, monthly goals every time. Whoa, I sound like I mean it... and I think I do this time.

Goal tomorrow: put away laundry, make healthy dinner, grocery shop, pick up good book from library.

Goal for the week: 2 training sessions and attempt some cardio during the week, increase water intake, make meals and carb load in the morning.

Goal for December: 2X week training, 2X week cardio, drop calories to 1500/day, organize my schedule to reflect workouts, food log, DROP 8lbs by Dec 31.

Wish me success!

"Pound" that stress out

It has been a long time since I last wrote! I am definitely feeling guilty about that. It was part so busy since Ben is away (the virgin islands, figures?!) and part not wanting to face my challenges. I was asked recently "how do you do it all?". I started rambling about my daily duties, and thought to myself "am I crazy?". My day starts as Mommy, waking up 2 sleepy non-morning loving children and forcing myself to get my day started too. Sometimes I have to coax those children out of an early morning meltdown just so I can start my day stress free! Then we drive to school and drive Macleod Trail to work. I try to squeeze an 8 hour work day into 5 hours and drive Macleod Trail again home. We start homework and dinner, which are easy, then it is either some extracurricular activity or I need to work some more. Bath and Bedtime, and the usual toothpick in the eyes to stay awake and clean the kitchen or laundry. Only to start all over again. This is the struggle of every Working Mom. We still have to make the lunches, listen to stories of "he said/she said" of school day interactions, drive to playdates and sports, get the groceries, think about healthy meals, remember birthdays and other relevant events, coach soccer, and the list goes on. Daddy's definitely have their roles too but they don't do the little everyday things that kids still need a mommy to do for them. Kids don't care if you are working or not - whether it be necessary or by choice.

What does all this mean?? Guilt. Yup, it is guilt. We never eat the last pickle in the pickle jar, even though we really want it! This guilt is always there for me. And now I am adding the guilt of not working out and not following my meal plan. The one thing that I was able to do, was avoid junk food. Until last night...I needed groceries and Friday night at 9:00pm was the only time I could get there this week. I was soooooo tired, and just plain exhausted from this past week, I gave in. I think I actually stopped at the front door to plan how I was going to cheat. Fortunately I was too tired to make a well executed plan of attack. I just wandered aimlessly picking up my usual purchases - salads, fruit, bread - and then I walked through the rest of the bakery. There is was, a lemon poundcake. It was so pretty sitting there, glistening (that is icing if you were wondering)like a ray of sunshine! I thought it would be nice to share with my company. LOL!

I have to say I am embarrassed by my thought process after I picked up that cake. I was planning how I was going to strategically place the cake on the checkout counter so that it would packed first and thus last in my trunk. Then I could just grab it out of the trunk and start eating it in the car before I drove away!!! Hilarious actually, ludicrous really?!! I didn't actually do that, thank god!! It is funny now, but I was 100% serious at the time. I just imagine myself ripping open the package and picking up the whole thing (I had no utensils or napkins) and eating it in the driver's seat of Ben's car. The crumbs would be flying and I would be planning how I was going to vacuum the car before Ben got home! I did take the cake home and I did share it, but my piece was definitely more generous than everyone else's!

Some sort of perfection

Today I was told I am "perfect" and it was not by my adoring husband or children! It was said by Lars, my bodymind hero. I actually asked him what is it going to take to get me to my goal? Why can't I just do it, just dream it and do it? That is when he said "you are perfect..."

So I heard the word "perfect" and all time stopped. His mouth was moving but all I was hearing was the word "perfect". Now this is just crazy talk - I am NOT perfect. I know that for a fact. At that moment, my heart sank, I was fighting back tears. Why on earth would anyone but my husband/children/my mother, say that. He let me chew on that for a moment. I asked myself, what is perfect? What is my perfect? Oh, I can see, the sunkist, tanned, rockhard body, ready for a Playboy centerfold! Come on, that is all what we think about. Walking down some exotic beach in a string bikini with the perfect breasts and tight ass, not a millimeter of cellulite. I can tell you that I think I missed the boat on that one - no perfect breasts anyway after 2 kids and weight gain!

Lars went on to tell me that the reason I am perfect is where I am at in my life. I am a mother to 2 beautiful girls, wife to an amazing husband, business owner of a truly a kick ass company, soccer coach, personal trainer, instructor, etc, the list goes on. With all that I have, it means nothing if I am not happy. And guess what, I am happy!!! I have so many things in my life that fulfill me. Another part of that perfect is that I have to tools to deal with stress, I am very aware of myself and those around me. So this is my perfect. Now Lars says once you reach perfect, your goal is just that much easier, more attainable. Lol! I went from gasping for air, almost bawling, confused, to breathing a sigh of relief. I could actually take breath and breathe.

Just throw that perfect centerfold in the recycle bin, and relax. That is what I am going to do. I know I am going to sleep better tonight. The giant, ugly monster of perfection is behind me. Okay, it has only been 12 hours, I better let all of this sink in first!

Also, I didn't hit the treadmill, I did a CardioFunk and a little Bollywood dance class with Jayla's soccer team (all 11 year old girls). I had such a blast shaking my jelly roll like I was Britney Spears with the young girls. I even moved from the back of the class to the front because I didn't want to miss a thing. I don't think I knew that my hips could do that much shaking, I know the girls didn't know that! We will see how I feel tomorrow. This could be fun for more adults! I giggled the whole hour!

Excuses

It has been a couple of days now, and I haven't been writing. I have been avoiding actually. I was afraid to write and tell how I was feeling. My mom came to visit and I was ready to throw everything out the window. I would "forget" to prepare meals for my lunches. I stopped taking my supplements. I stopped eating my 5 meals a day and slipped very comfortably back into 3 meals a day. I was just ignoring all the signs of losing my drive for weight loss. I would even walk by the scale in the bathroom, like it wasn't even there.

UGH...I am so disgusted with myself. What is worse is that I am back to 1 bathroom stop every two days. My tummy feels like a cement block. I am so bloated and uncomfortable, I can't stand it. I feel very strange in my own skin. I hate this feeling. The biggest problem is how I so easily let my weight loss goal become a non goal. I was very happy to let my mom visiting be my excuse. It is not HER fault, it is ME!!! Excuses, excuses! Excuses are non-tangible weapons we use on ourselves to as sabotage. They are just words, yet I use them so freely. I think it is Dr. Phil that says "let's get real with ourselves". What do I really want? Do I want to be skinny or do I want to be happy? I know happy is the answer, why do I think "skinny" is the answer. It will not solve my problems if I am not happy with myself. But I know I am not happy at my current weight, my goal is realistic. 130 lbs. I can do it.

First step is get on the treadmill tomorrow and prepare meals is the second. Ben is away for the next while, I will have time to prepare some meals for myself. Then book 2 training sessions this week. Only 2, I can do it, 1 hour out of an entire week. This is my promise for myself this week.

Take that pressure and shove it!

Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment ALL the time? You know, set a goal - which is good, but then put time and physical restraints on it. It just creates pressure, and more pressure, until we are ready to explode. Or panic sets in. Yes, PANIC. Sometimes that goal becomes more than just a goal. It becomes an expectation, a standard that must be met. Like our lives will depend on it, or everyone is depending on you to achieve that goal. F&%@! I just wanna scream!!!!

So how did it get to the point of panic? It is so easy to forget our journey, we never remember the good stuff. We can start a goal with many people around us, cheering us on. Asking how it is going, wanting to show their support. We love it, it feels good. Then we hit that bump, it feels like a mountain. In retrospect it was only a bump. But at the time, whatever small issue that happens easily grows into something more. You know that game of tag, where the person who is it, tags a person. Then they have to hold hands and catch the next person. A giant chain of people are connected to together trying to catch everyone. Suddenly, it becomes complete CHAOS because you can't control the chain of people. Everyone wants to go their own way, nobody works together to catch the last few people. Yup, that is what it is like when stress hits when you are working towards a goal. CHAOS=PANIC.

I have a friend trying to achieve a goal. The people around her are excited for her. People encourage her and listen to her journey. This helps her, it is great support. She deserves nothing less. So now you add TIME, it is getting closer to her goal. The pressure to achieve her goal is getting greater. There is less time to prepare, there are more people "supporting", more eyes on her if you want to say. The process is all over more intense. Then 1 small bump in her road sends a domino effect of emotions and pressure straight to her psyche! Oh ya, panic is setting in. She is getting unwound by a couple of nuts, I am not kidding. I think it is cashews actually.

See her goal is a physical one, she needs to train incredibly hard and eat a strict diet. She does everything right. the time is creeping on her and the pressure is intense. I know she doesn't like all of the people around her worry about her. I think she is worried we see her as weak. She is so wrong - she is so STRONG, determined, focused, funny, happy, and beautiful! And guess what? Human. She will achieve her goal whether it be now or in a few months, she will do it. She is like all of us, it doesn't matter what your goal is. It has to be for yourself or not at all. Who cares what people think, if all you see is the fat girl in the mirror. Time to toss the fatgirl mirror and get the "this is me" mirror.

I got stressed this week too, and I gained back 6 lbs. Yes I am ashamed to say all 6 lbs. I bought a bag of peanut M&Ms. But that small bag did not put 6 lbs on my ass, the not eating and drinking WAY too much coffee did. I didn't prepare one meal this week. I only ate 2 or 3 X a day. I didn't fuel my body, I starved it and stuffed it full of stress. I was so close to panic, so close to saying forget it and buy another bag of M&Ms. My friend helped me to stop and reassess my situation and just deal with the stress head on. I feel so much better and I am going to thank my friend for helping me. Thanks KP!

Lock the Grocery store doors!

I think all grocery stores should be closed during the dinner hour. Yup, make it a law. Shut'em down. That way we wouldn't stop at the grocery store on the way home from work! I do know better than going shopping for food right before dinner time. I was sure this time was going to be different, "in and out" I told myself.

It was all good in the produce aisle, didn't even hit the dairy aisle(cheese, yummy), raw meat and fish - easy, then came the bakery... I am sure they purposely put the brownies, cakes, cupcakes, pies strategically in the way of the good stuff. You have to walk through the goodies to get to the whole grain breads. You go from raw fish smell to the glorious, sweet smell of cake and cookies. My stomach instantly growled, oh what I wouldn't do to have a goodie. I actually stopped dead, and contemplated buying a goodie of sorts. I was even trying to configure a way in my head to make to calories fit into my portion size. Why can't we be realistic in these moments? I would be allowed one mouthful to fulfill my meal caloric intake and all the calories would be from processed sugar. UGH! That sucks. Then my head gets clearer and I think about the chicken and salad I had planned. That bowl was sure alot bigger than 1 bite of chocolate brownie from Safeway.

I went through this process 3 more times before I paid for my groceries. The mental game I had to play with myself was exhausting. At one point, I told myself that it was better to feed myself than starve! Oh ya, poor me, can't wait 10 more minutes to get home and eat a healthy meal. Finally, I grabbed my receipt and got the hell out of the temptation. Only to walk outside to the warm aroma of Teen Burgers... the A&W across the parking lot had the largest, brightest neon signs I have ever seen. It was like a powerful magnet just pulling me towards safety. I think I even leaned a bit forward so my nose could lead me. Crap! Just snap out of it Holly! I firmly set my pace for my car and headed for home.

All the way home I was imaging a law being passed that grocery stores had to close over dinner hour. Everyone had to go home and eat a nutritious meal. Like you would be ticketed or something if you didn't. I think it would work. I would eat a nice meal and then grocery shop on a full tummy and only buy what is one my list. I know I would save alot of money this way. No eating out, no unnecessary food items in your cart, no cravings, yes my world would be easy!

Lars has talked alot about acceptance, meaning I need to accept who I am right now. It is so hard because for so long I didn't like who I was. I mean I liked my family, kids, husband, home, job, etc. I didn't like my image. Sometimes I would just imagine that my brain is really who I am and the body just carries the brain. That is true to an extent but the body does matter. You have to fit into clothes, sit in chairs, hug people, stand in front of a crowd, your body does make you who you are. It really comes down to how you view your own body. How does it feel in those clothes? Why does it matter what you look like when you sit down? Why does it matter if you have to hug someone you care about and cares for you? And if you are standing in front of a crowd, it is probably because they came for what you have to say (unless you are a model). How I feel about myself is what defines what others think. When I met Ben, he was over 200 lbs, and size 42 pants. He was a large guy, I honestly never saw him that way at all. He never felt that way either. He was Ben and I was Holly. When I see pictures now, I almost don't even remember him looking that way at all. I only remember how happy he made me!

I am gong to bed now, feeling great about my will power ( as much as I had) and I am going to give my tummy some love. Yup, I am going to look at it in the mirror and tell my tummy how much I love it!

Drive-thru Nutrition

"the provision, to cells and organisms, of the materials necessary (in the form of food) to support life." That is wikipedia's definition of NUTRITION. To support life. Fuel the body. If it was that easy, why don't we all just do that. Just eat what we need to survive and not a bite more. Like we are scavengers that have to fend for our selves. We breastfeed our young and then let them get their own food when they needed it. Nutrition would be so easy.

Funny that is what convenience is, isn't it? Make life easier. HA! I laugh at that. How about make life FATTER?! Nothing says easy like "drive-thru". Good nutrition is actually hard work. Not only do you have to learn what proper "materials" are necessary to fuel the body, but then you have to somehow interpret Nutrition Labels. Every food item has a nutritional breakdown of calories, grams, percentages, etc. that tell us if we can consume the item or not. So when I pick up a Kit Kat chocolate bar, what does 7 grams of fat mean? It is just a number, I try to imagine what 7 g of fat would look like. But the shiny red label distracts me from the not-so pleasant image. This is not helping me in my quest to have better nutrition.

Okay, so you finally figure out the label and decide you can eat this food item without guilt. The next step is figuring out how much a person can consume in a day. Why know this? We could just do the South Beach diet and not eat any carbs - and lose weight. We could do the Atkins diet and eat lots and lots of fat, no veggies - and lose weight. Like every diet out there, there are just rules to follow. Eat this, don't eat that and viola, you will be skinny. Why have nutrition labels? Maybe the government could just tell us what we are allowed to eat and we have no choice. Kidding, don't give them any ideas!

I think we should be born with the ability to know what exactly how many calories we are allowed in a day. And we should be taught in school how many calories are in food items. Wouldn't that be cool? Unfortunately not happening in my lifetime, so I better start learning how to take care of myself. I pride myself in learning as much as I can about nutrition, I need to know what my body needs. I had to know why it needs it and how I can change it. INPUT vs OUTPUT. What you put into your mouth and how much you exercise. We all need a certain amount of calories to survive, if we just eat those, there would be no weight issues. But there are; blame the media for those issues. All we see is skinny models promoted by MacDonald's. Did you notice that our Olympic Athletes are sponsored by Wonderbread - is that even bread? Read the label on that package. I KNOW that not one athlete would ever eat white bread full of preservatives!

So now that I know how many calories I need to survive and I know what foods I should eat, why don't I do it? Cuz everything tastes sooooooo good, like chocolate and french fries. I sometimes try to think of myself as a machine, I imagine I just need to fuel to get through the day. There is no real enjoyment in that though. I think I will just think of me as Holly, the mom and business owner that struggles with nutrition daily. I am thinking of me right now, not tomorrow, just this moment.

Wow what a success, I made it through the moment, on to the next.

Blisters and Excuses

Sometimes things happen; like your shoes are giving you blisters on the back of both ankles AND you decided today you would walk to work. Then you have bloodied socks and 2 very raw, bloody blisters. You could get mad and pout about it all day, or just get on with your extremely busy day. You would just be so busy and forget about it until, you have to walk home OR put on your gym shoes.... So, here I am ready to get a workout in, slide my shoes on and scream in agony!!! "%#@&" is all I can squeak out.

I feel like this happens to me all the time when I finally get back into weight loss/fitness mode. I remember one time I rolled my ankle walking down Stephen Avenue. My ankle ballooned into a baseball instantly,it was not good. A homeless man wanted to be my boyfriend while Ben ran to get the car! That incident put me out for 3 months, no activity, alot of food. Now, the blisters are no where near that bad. But you know, it just feels like a small sign, neon kind, flashing "YOU CAN'T DO IT". I know that is ridiculous. I think the honeymoon phase of my weightloss program is over. The realization that I have alot of sweat, tears and blood ahead of me. The blisters are very minor, so minor that a dollar store bandaid will fix up the problem.

There is no bandaid for the way I feel. I know that I feel better when I exercise, I even sleep better. Right now stress is at a low. I feel great. Why can't I just exercise and eat well without any convincing. It is so much work emotionally to psyche myself up and it so EASY to not do anything. My Nutrition Coach, Lars, says that our subconscious plays such a large part of our being. But we prefer to use our conscious mind, it is the logical thought. You know, the excuse maker. If we tap into our subconscious and let it know that YES, I want to exercise and YES, I want to eat better, and YES, I want to lose weight - we will. Lars says it is easy as that. My excuse of bloody blisters is a great one, but come on Holly, they really cannot stop me from exercising!

Habit, means repeated thought or action. I am going to forget the blisters, slip on the shoes and get on the treadmill. I am not going to let excuses get in the way. I want lose weight, I am going to lose weight and I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it.

Innocence and Playdoh

I had such a wicked day today. Who doesn't love Fridays? It is amazing how you can work hard all week and still have energy. I love my job, I really truly love my job! Today, I was full of pride as we had a staff meeting with all our new team members. I tried hard not to be giddy with excitement while we were planning ALIVE's next marketing and publicity campaign. Everyone left the meeting pumped and ready to take on the world. I love my job.

I am so glad I ended my week on such a positive note. It was so close to being devastated by a sweet, adorable, 6 year old playdate with a cute English accent. Yes, this little boy, so full of innocence, almost ruined my week. You ask HOW? Well, let me tell you! I had helped set up the playmates at the kitchen table to play with Playdoh while I started dinner. Socializing at such a young age is always amusing to listen to. Until the young lad asked my daughter "Why don't you exercise?". Abby replied, "We do." To the young lad answered "No you don't, you are fat. And so is your Mom." I can't remember how fast my head turned, maybe because my jaw was on the floor! I thought breathe, this is only a kid, a very innocent kid that doesn't know any better. Kids tell you how it is. That doesn't mean you have to like it. And I didn't like it. I wanted to tell him to go home, but since I had to drive him, that wasn't going to work. I could of let him know that what he said are hurtful words to friends but not my job to parent him. I bit my lip and let my daughter work it out with him.

I talked about it with Abby after the playdate was over. It was not an easy conversation. The problem was that MY feelings were actually hurt too. Can you believe that I let a 6 year old hurt my feelings. It is not that I feel FAT, I see fat on my body. It is the image that is hard to get around. We are bombarded with images of skinny, skinny, skinny and no happy medium. If you have ever carried weight, there is always an insinuation that you should lose weight. No one EVER says the words "you are fat". Instead we hear things like, the boot cut is more flattering for your curves (your hips are huge), your girls look great in that top(so I don't notice your spare tire), this babydoll shirt is better suited to your shape (look, no muffin top). My heart also ached for Abby, she is built like Momma and she will have some years of battle ahead of her. We eat well but she does need more exercise. She is always tagging along Jayla's soccer games and practices, never has any of her own.

I feel like a horrible parent, I am the role model and all they see is a FAT Mommy. I always tell the girls to love themselves. They don't have self esteem issues, not with a dad like Ben! I just want to make sure that they don't end up like Mommy and never take care of themselves. It has motivated me more to take action. I got on that treadmill this morning with a vengeance and was disappointed I had to get off and go to work! I will not let a 6 year old break me, I will power through like it never happened. But it did and it will always ring in the back of my mind. I lost another pound though, I am almost 160. When I hit 158, I will have a little party for myself. Hmmm, not food, something else. Any ideas?

2 Buffets and a wedding cake

Ahhhhh a computer. Please forgive me, as I have been away with no access to a computer! But I am back and ready to tell about my weekend!

My daughter, Abby, and I drove up to Edmonton for a wedding. We had to rush out of Calgary to make a 2:00pm wedding ceremony. I packed snacks, good ones too! I was so ready for the day, the day of no schedule and no place to eat prepared meals. Ugh, Tim Hortons breakfast - no donut - and then mall food! Oh the choices, seriously, I could have Mary Browns Chicken, A&W, or Chinese Buffet. Yuck!! And I was just so confused and hungry, I chose the Teen Burger combo with a Root Beer, what was I thinking!!!!! Oh I inhaled it like it was the last Teen Burger on the face of the earth. The second I finished; I let out the worst smelling belch EVER, and it tasted no better either. I looked down at the carnage of the wrapper, ketchup droppings and runaway onions. There was no going back. I sat there and contemplated what I was going to do, like I could erase time or something. I think my only option was to go bulimic in the bathroom. But I couldn't do that cuz A. I just spent money on that burger and B. I would be hungry again soon anyway! sigh.... I promised myself, I will watch what I eat at the reception.

Okay, who am I fooling now. Have you ever heard of a portion/calorie wise wedding dinner?! I haven't either. Let me tell you about the buffet, or should I say BUFFETS. There were 2 buffets, yes 2 buffets with perogies, sour cream (full fat by the way), cabbage rolls, chicken in mushroom sauce, prime rib with gravy and endless salads - all with heavy cream sauces of sorts. I was doomed. Done, I think I gained 10 lbs at that moment. I wouldn't of moved forward if there was not some crazy Aunt behind me grumbling at how slow I was. I tried to fill my plate with salad, but it was Caesar Salad with WHITE croutons. 2 lbs there for sure. Then there was more salads with sauces all white and creamy, 3 lbs there. I piled on some olives and pickles to take some space on my GIANT dinner plate. It took everything in my to walk by the cabbage rolls but I came to a dead stop at the perogies. Yup, it was all over once I put the first perogie on my plate. But hey, I passed on the gravy.

Now I know you know the drill, eat a huge buffet dinner and then promptly undo the top button on your pants. Relief, you can breathe. I think the bride was trying to torture me because she sat me so close to the head table under the bright lights, where all 250 guests could see me. I was probably in every shot the photographer took of the happy couple! There was no way I could undo my pants, I couldn't even slouch. I had to sit up straight with my SPANKS cutting off the circulation from my ribs down. I think that SPANKS are only good for keeping food from digesting cuz your stomach is so tightly wrapped as to slim down 2 sizes!

You know what was worse than stuffing myself with potato heaven and sour cream, is wedding cake. Not that awful fruit stuff that has a shelf life of 80 years, the fluffy white kind with the most amazing, sweet to perfection icing,melt in your mouth kind of wedding cake. Guess what every table got after the meal? A plate of wedding cake to share. Seems like that might not be so bad, well let me tell you. My table of 8 had 4 kids - who were already off playing, and 4 adults - where 1 was was off supervising those children. Leaves 3 adults with a plate of enough cake to feed Jayla's soccer team. I played the game, you know, don't want to be the first person to take a piece. The lady next to me was playing the same game, we would smile politely at one another, just waiting. I really did not want cake or need it. I was extremely full. I just have no will power with sweets. I was so ashamed of myself to sitting there contemplating how I was going to get cake with no one watching. Like they would judge me, I will probably never see these people again. In the end, I ate a piece or so, let's leave it at that.

You know, all that thinking is so tiring. I want so bad to just not have to think about it. I want to be able to have the option to eat the cake without guilt or just not even be interested in the cake at all. I want to walk into a buffet and not even think about it and I sit down with my well balanced meal to enjoy with my company. I don't want to wear SPANKS!! I think I will burn them when I achieve my goal. Yes, burn them!

I hit the gym with a vengeance, I didn't even have to convince myself that a workout was what I needed. I worked out hard, did all my reps and sets without convincing myself. I just did it and I ENJOYED it! I drove home today and felt yucky sitting in a car all day. I am hitting the gym tomorrow.

By the way, I only gained 1 lb and I will have that off by Thursday for sure!

static in the dressing room

I survived a 3/4 day of cleansing. I lost 1 pound and it is still off! YES! Thank goodness something came of my torture. I think I will try it again next week and actually do the 2 whole days of the cleanse.

A client asked me today how my weight loss is going. I have to say I was rather ashamed that it is not going well. I actually need to exercise now. I am really dreading the workout, I feel like I haven't worked out in so long. I have decided, I am going to do cardio tomorrow morning, just do it. I will feel great. I know I will, my little devil in the back of my head is actually saying "no you won't, your bed will be so warm in the morning and you won't get out of it to do any sweating in the basement" The weather network says -18 tomorrow, ugh, I just want it to be nice out. I actually want to be outside and get some sunshine on my face.

So I am off to a wedding this weekend. I want to go for the bride was a bridesmaid in my wedding. But I also know there will be many people from the town I grew up in. Cringing, me cringing. I just am really scared to say that I own a successful personal training studio and have people look me up and down. You know the half nod with the eyes quickly scanning the full length of your body. I actually get that so often when I meet people who meet Ben and hear him talk about his wife. When they meet me, there is ALWAYS the half nod and eye stare. Some even say, "you are not what I expected". I know, I know that it is not always judgement. Most of the time they are wondering who would marry someone like Ben (if you have met him, you would know what I mean. If you haven't, Ben is one of those creatures that lacks the power to think about what he says before he says it!) I really do have a wonderful, amazing, sexy husband with a wicked sense of humor.

But back to me, I do feel a little bit ashamed of my body when that happens. I think that I must look like some bikini model for people to think that I fit in. Crazy I know, that is why I am here and trying to get over crap like that.

Speaking of body problems, there is nothing worse than a change room mirror. Come on, who made those things. How do they possibly think that women will buy the clothes they try on when they see themselves in those ridiculous circus mirrors! I thought I would look for a nice top to wear with pants to the wedding. I am definitely NOT wearing a dress! Can you say cankles? That and I got these amazing red shoes from my mom for Christmas. I took a huge pile of potential buys into the change room. Some were very wrinkled (okay, I was at Winners), some have deodorant stains, and then the rest were all very staticky! So to top off the ridiculous circus mirrors, and the wrinkles, there had to be so much static! Any top that could have been the one, was annoyingly stuck to my bare skin. It added more rolls and bumps that I didn't know I could possibly have!!!!!!!!!! sigh......

I eventually found something nice and very conservative. Ben will object cuz no cleavage. That sometimes works, the cleavage I mean. Takes away from the mid section quite nicely!

The last nacho chip in the bag

My day started off great, fruit for breakfast, an hour later fruit, more fruit 1 hour after that. Everything was going fantastic until about 12 noon. I started to feel "funny", not really hungry but like low blood sugar. A headache was forming quickly. I was chugging back the water, ate 2 bananas instead of one. I was determined to make it through the day on my cleanse. I kept telling myself "just get through the day, it is only 1 day".

I think about 1 o'clock I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't concentrate, I was getting cranky. I even told a possible client that was really wavering on cost that maybe a studio like ours was not the place for her....what the hell was going on with me! I would never talk like that to a potential client. (it must of worked for her cuz she bought a package bigger than what she started out with) But still, crankeeeeeee! The gals at work thought I was going through carb and latte withdrawal. I seriously looked around the room at that moment to see if a latte was handy! mmmm skinny hazelnut....

By 4 0'clock I was done for. I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down Nacho chips were the first handy carb. Before I knew it, I had inhaled more than a serving if you know what I mean. oh, the guilt. All that fruit eating to end up with a headache and full belly of nacho chips. I had a very nice salad for dinner and another piece of fruit before bed. I don't think I followed the cleanse to a T but I think I am better prepared to try it again. Oh and by the way large quantities of fruit opens many pathways many times (re: previous entry).

I thought about asking a friend to do the cleanse with me. I decided against it only because we would just be miserable together. And I don't think either one of our workplaces would enjoy that kind of misery! So I will venture on this journey alone. I haven't decided if I will try the cleanse again tomorrow. Let's just see if I can get through the night without sneaking down for spoonfuls of peanut butter.

You want me to cleanse what?!

I have been thinking about weight loss for years, off and on forever actually! I am actually very comfortable in my skin. Being in an amazing marriage really helps. I could have a 3rd eye and I would still be beautiful to Ben! My weight issues come up intermittantly. Like when the formal office party requires shopping for a new dress, or my youngest daughter says "I love your jiggly tummy" and she is poking me and giggling! I always tell myself, I really need to lose some weight. And I think about it and make a great plan, actually a no-fail must succeed type of plan to lose the weight. Right now I am imagining that I just peel off my fat suit and TA-DA...

Okay, back to earth. I have tried so many different combinations of exercise and nutrition. You know, carbs, no carbs, fruit, no fruit, red meat, no red meat. I never stick to anything. It is like I am secretly wishing that I would fail and lo and behold, I do. sigh....

Well no more. I have had enough. My girls don't need Mommy to do everything for themselves anymore. Jay(10) makes a mean grilled cheese and Abby(6) can open a can of tuna. They will survive if I start taking care of myself! I am seeing my own nutrition guru, he is so much more than that though. He is taking on my MIND! He, without a doubt, believes that I can lose 30 lbs. He has me so convinced that I even envision myself 30 lbs lighter. He is the reason why I am writing this blog. I am going to prove to the world, or maybe just you that I am going to lose 30 lbs. And I will be happy doing it, for the most part.

I have been meeting Lars for almost 2 months, he has been holding my hand getting me ready to jump off the fat train. My first job was to start planning my meals. I cook on Sundays for the week and put all the carefully measured food into tiny food containers. Hardest part is eating what is in the containers by the end of the week, some variety helps. I was always eating out by Friday! Now I think I have mastered that a little more and make 2 different types of meals to pick from. Next step is getting my bowels in order. Lars loves to talk bowel movements, we must cleanse the system for it to run efficiently. How will our bodies use the food we eat properly if it just gets stuck in our bowels. We must cleanse. How do we do that you ask? Well, I started with natural grains, fruits and veggies. I am a nicely regular 1 x day gal, I feel very comfortable with that. I am actually proud to say that. I think my jaw hit the floor when Lars told me that 3-4 x day would be better. Who or what did he think I was? Are you kidding me? Who does #2 that many times of day? Honestly! Then I needed to know how he thought I was going to do that. We are starting with a fruit cleanse. 2 days of just fruit and a combo of supplements. Just to get things "moving" he says...

Tomorrow is the day. Ben picked up mangoes, pineapple, bananas, oranges, apples and grapefruit. I think I am prepared. We will see how it goes and if we get "moving"... Wish me luck because I think I need it!

Sleepy in Somerset

I am sooooooooo incredibly tired right now. And I really want something, anything dipped in chocolate and then rolled in salt. And I really think my kids should be able to get themselves ready for bed and maybe while they are at it, they can wash, fold and put away the laundry....

The last thing on my mind is my weight loss goal, cuz really, I can think about that AFTER I get my chocolate. I have a serious case of ADD right now. I know sleep will help but I think about all the other things I should do before bed. A mom's job is never done. We cook, clean, wash, drive, coach, teach, study with and for our families. Why do we never take care of ourselves? Ben reminded me that I have been wanting this weight loss/body change since he has met me. What has stopped me? Why do I put everything else first? Excuses? Procrastination? Am I not worth it?

Where is that chocolate?

Someone told me that I could lose 20 pounds in a month. Ya RIGHT! But then I realized that, no, I cannot lose 20 lbs in a month. But I can lose 20 lbs! Yes I can! I can lose 30lbs, I KNOW I can. He told me that to shock me, and it worked. Now it really is not a big deal to lose the weight. I think he tricked me, sort of. I will get into tht later.

I am so glad it is Friday tomorrow. Even happier that I am getting my hair cut and colored! NOTE: it has been 8 months since the last time. Ben gets his hair cut every month and cringes when I say I am getting mine done once a year! Men don't get price of vanity.

I will let you know how it goes.

Good Night!