"Pound" that stress out

It has been a long time since I last wrote! I am definitely feeling guilty about that. It was part so busy since Ben is away (the virgin islands, figures?!) and part not wanting to face my challenges. I was asked recently "how do you do it all?". I started rambling about my daily duties, and thought to myself "am I crazy?". My day starts as Mommy, waking up 2 sleepy non-morning loving children and forcing myself to get my day started too. Sometimes I have to coax those children out of an early morning meltdown just so I can start my day stress free! Then we drive to school and drive Macleod Trail to work. I try to squeeze an 8 hour work day into 5 hours and drive Macleod Trail again home. We start homework and dinner, which are easy, then it is either some extracurricular activity or I need to work some more. Bath and Bedtime, and the usual toothpick in the eyes to stay awake and clean the kitchen or laundry. Only to start all over again. This is the struggle of every Working Mom. We still have to make the lunches, listen to stories of "he said/she said" of school day interactions, drive to playdates and sports, get the groceries, think about healthy meals, remember birthdays and other relevant events, coach soccer, and the list goes on. Daddy's definitely have their roles too but they don't do the little everyday things that kids still need a mommy to do for them. Kids don't care if you are working or not - whether it be necessary or by choice.

What does all this mean?? Guilt. Yup, it is guilt. We never eat the last pickle in the pickle jar, even though we really want it! This guilt is always there for me. And now I am adding the guilt of not working out and not following my meal plan. The one thing that I was able to do, was avoid junk food. Until last night...I needed groceries and Friday night at 9:00pm was the only time I could get there this week. I was soooooo tired, and just plain exhausted from this past week, I gave in. I think I actually stopped at the front door to plan how I was going to cheat. Fortunately I was too tired to make a well executed plan of attack. I just wandered aimlessly picking up my usual purchases - salads, fruit, bread - and then I walked through the rest of the bakery. There is was, a lemon poundcake. It was so pretty sitting there, glistening (that is icing if you were wondering)like a ray of sunshine! I thought it would be nice to share with my company. LOL!

I have to say I am embarrassed by my thought process after I picked up that cake. I was planning how I was going to strategically place the cake on the checkout counter so that it would packed first and thus last in my trunk. Then I could just grab it out of the trunk and start eating it in the car before I drove away!!! Hilarious actually, ludicrous really?!! I didn't actually do that, thank god!! It is funny now, but I was 100% serious at the time. I just imagine myself ripping open the package and picking up the whole thing (I had no utensils or napkins) and eating it in the driver's seat of Ben's car. The crumbs would be flying and I would be planning how I was going to vacuum the car before Ben got home! I did take the cake home and I did share it, but my piece was definitely more generous than everyone else's!

Some sort of perfection

Today I was told I am "perfect" and it was not by my adoring husband or children! It was said by Lars, my bodymind hero. I actually asked him what is it going to take to get me to my goal? Why can't I just do it, just dream it and do it? That is when he said "you are perfect..."

So I heard the word "perfect" and all time stopped. His mouth was moving but all I was hearing was the word "perfect". Now this is just crazy talk - I am NOT perfect. I know that for a fact. At that moment, my heart sank, I was fighting back tears. Why on earth would anyone but my husband/children/my mother, say that. He let me chew on that for a moment. I asked myself, what is perfect? What is my perfect? Oh, I can see, the sunkist, tanned, rockhard body, ready for a Playboy centerfold! Come on, that is all what we think about. Walking down some exotic beach in a string bikini with the perfect breasts and tight ass, not a millimeter of cellulite. I can tell you that I think I missed the boat on that one - no perfect breasts anyway after 2 kids and weight gain!

Lars went on to tell me that the reason I am perfect is where I am at in my life. I am a mother to 2 beautiful girls, wife to an amazing husband, business owner of a truly a kick ass company, soccer coach, personal trainer, instructor, etc, the list goes on. With all that I have, it means nothing if I am not happy. And guess what, I am happy!!! I have so many things in my life that fulfill me. Another part of that perfect is that I have to tools to deal with stress, I am very aware of myself and those around me. So this is my perfect. Now Lars says once you reach perfect, your goal is just that much easier, more attainable. Lol! I went from gasping for air, almost bawling, confused, to breathing a sigh of relief. I could actually take breath and breathe.

Just throw that perfect centerfold in the recycle bin, and relax. That is what I am going to do. I know I am going to sleep better tonight. The giant, ugly monster of perfection is behind me. Okay, it has only been 12 hours, I better let all of this sink in first!

Also, I didn't hit the treadmill, I did a CardioFunk and a little Bollywood dance class with Jayla's soccer team (all 11 year old girls). I had such a blast shaking my jelly roll like I was Britney Spears with the young girls. I even moved from the back of the class to the front because I didn't want to miss a thing. I don't think I knew that my hips could do that much shaking, I know the girls didn't know that! We will see how I feel tomorrow. This could be fun for more adults! I giggled the whole hour!

Excuses

It has been a couple of days now, and I haven't been writing. I have been avoiding actually. I was afraid to write and tell how I was feeling. My mom came to visit and I was ready to throw everything out the window. I would "forget" to prepare meals for my lunches. I stopped taking my supplements. I stopped eating my 5 meals a day and slipped very comfortably back into 3 meals a day. I was just ignoring all the signs of losing my drive for weight loss. I would even walk by the scale in the bathroom, like it wasn't even there.

UGH...I am so disgusted with myself. What is worse is that I am back to 1 bathroom stop every two days. My tummy feels like a cement block. I am so bloated and uncomfortable, I can't stand it. I feel very strange in my own skin. I hate this feeling. The biggest problem is how I so easily let my weight loss goal become a non goal. I was very happy to let my mom visiting be my excuse. It is not HER fault, it is ME!!! Excuses, excuses! Excuses are non-tangible weapons we use on ourselves to as sabotage. They are just words, yet I use them so freely. I think it is Dr. Phil that says "let's get real with ourselves". What do I really want? Do I want to be skinny or do I want to be happy? I know happy is the answer, why do I think "skinny" is the answer. It will not solve my problems if I am not happy with myself. But I know I am not happy at my current weight, my goal is realistic. 130 lbs. I can do it.

First step is get on the treadmill tomorrow and prepare meals is the second. Ben is away for the next while, I will have time to prepare some meals for myself. Then book 2 training sessions this week. Only 2, I can do it, 1 hour out of an entire week. This is my promise for myself this week.

Take that pressure and shove it!

Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment ALL the time? You know, set a goal - which is good, but then put time and physical restraints on it. It just creates pressure, and more pressure, until we are ready to explode. Or panic sets in. Yes, PANIC. Sometimes that goal becomes more than just a goal. It becomes an expectation, a standard that must be met. Like our lives will depend on it, or everyone is depending on you to achieve that goal. F&%@! I just wanna scream!!!!

So how did it get to the point of panic? It is so easy to forget our journey, we never remember the good stuff. We can start a goal with many people around us, cheering us on. Asking how it is going, wanting to show their support. We love it, it feels good. Then we hit that bump, it feels like a mountain. In retrospect it was only a bump. But at the time, whatever small issue that happens easily grows into something more. You know that game of tag, where the person who is it, tags a person. Then they have to hold hands and catch the next person. A giant chain of people are connected to together trying to catch everyone. Suddenly, it becomes complete CHAOS because you can't control the chain of people. Everyone wants to go their own way, nobody works together to catch the last few people. Yup, that is what it is like when stress hits when you are working towards a goal. CHAOS=PANIC.

I have a friend trying to achieve a goal. The people around her are excited for her. People encourage her and listen to her journey. This helps her, it is great support. She deserves nothing less. So now you add TIME, it is getting closer to her goal. The pressure to achieve her goal is getting greater. There is less time to prepare, there are more people "supporting", more eyes on her if you want to say. The process is all over more intense. Then 1 small bump in her road sends a domino effect of emotions and pressure straight to her psyche! Oh ya, panic is setting in. She is getting unwound by a couple of nuts, I am not kidding. I think it is cashews actually.

See her goal is a physical one, she needs to train incredibly hard and eat a strict diet. She does everything right. the time is creeping on her and the pressure is intense. I know she doesn't like all of the people around her worry about her. I think she is worried we see her as weak. She is so wrong - she is so STRONG, determined, focused, funny, happy, and beautiful! And guess what? Human. She will achieve her goal whether it be now or in a few months, she will do it. She is like all of us, it doesn't matter what your goal is. It has to be for yourself or not at all. Who cares what people think, if all you see is the fat girl in the mirror. Time to toss the fatgirl mirror and get the "this is me" mirror.

I got stressed this week too, and I gained back 6 lbs. Yes I am ashamed to say all 6 lbs. I bought a bag of peanut M&Ms. But that small bag did not put 6 lbs on my ass, the not eating and drinking WAY too much coffee did. I didn't prepare one meal this week. I only ate 2 or 3 X a day. I didn't fuel my body, I starved it and stuffed it full of stress. I was so close to panic, so close to saying forget it and buy another bag of M&Ms. My friend helped me to stop and reassess my situation and just deal with the stress head on. I feel so much better and I am going to thank my friend for helping me. Thanks KP!

Lock the Grocery store doors!

I think all grocery stores should be closed during the dinner hour. Yup, make it a law. Shut'em down. That way we wouldn't stop at the grocery store on the way home from work! I do know better than going shopping for food right before dinner time. I was sure this time was going to be different, "in and out" I told myself.

It was all good in the produce aisle, didn't even hit the dairy aisle(cheese, yummy), raw meat and fish - easy, then came the bakery... I am sure they purposely put the brownies, cakes, cupcakes, pies strategically in the way of the good stuff. You have to walk through the goodies to get to the whole grain breads. You go from raw fish smell to the glorious, sweet smell of cake and cookies. My stomach instantly growled, oh what I wouldn't do to have a goodie. I actually stopped dead, and contemplated buying a goodie of sorts. I was even trying to configure a way in my head to make to calories fit into my portion size. Why can't we be realistic in these moments? I would be allowed one mouthful to fulfill my meal caloric intake and all the calories would be from processed sugar. UGH! That sucks. Then my head gets clearer and I think about the chicken and salad I had planned. That bowl was sure alot bigger than 1 bite of chocolate brownie from Safeway.

I went through this process 3 more times before I paid for my groceries. The mental game I had to play with myself was exhausting. At one point, I told myself that it was better to feed myself than starve! Oh ya, poor me, can't wait 10 more minutes to get home and eat a healthy meal. Finally, I grabbed my receipt and got the hell out of the temptation. Only to walk outside to the warm aroma of Teen Burgers... the A&W across the parking lot had the largest, brightest neon signs I have ever seen. It was like a powerful magnet just pulling me towards safety. I think I even leaned a bit forward so my nose could lead me. Crap! Just snap out of it Holly! I firmly set my pace for my car and headed for home.

All the way home I was imaging a law being passed that grocery stores had to close over dinner hour. Everyone had to go home and eat a nutritious meal. Like you would be ticketed or something if you didn't. I think it would work. I would eat a nice meal and then grocery shop on a full tummy and only buy what is one my list. I know I would save alot of money this way. No eating out, no unnecessary food items in your cart, no cravings, yes my world would be easy!

Lars has talked alot about acceptance, meaning I need to accept who I am right now. It is so hard because for so long I didn't like who I was. I mean I liked my family, kids, husband, home, job, etc. I didn't like my image. Sometimes I would just imagine that my brain is really who I am and the body just carries the brain. That is true to an extent but the body does matter. You have to fit into clothes, sit in chairs, hug people, stand in front of a crowd, your body does make you who you are. It really comes down to how you view your own body. How does it feel in those clothes? Why does it matter what you look like when you sit down? Why does it matter if you have to hug someone you care about and cares for you? And if you are standing in front of a crowd, it is probably because they came for what you have to say (unless you are a model). How I feel about myself is what defines what others think. When I met Ben, he was over 200 lbs, and size 42 pants. He was a large guy, I honestly never saw him that way at all. He never felt that way either. He was Ben and I was Holly. When I see pictures now, I almost don't even remember him looking that way at all. I only remember how happy he made me!

I am gong to bed now, feeling great about my will power ( as much as I had) and I am going to give my tummy some love. Yup, I am going to look at it in the mirror and tell my tummy how much I love it!

Drive-thru Nutrition

"the provision, to cells and organisms, of the materials necessary (in the form of food) to support life." That is wikipedia's definition of NUTRITION. To support life. Fuel the body. If it was that easy, why don't we all just do that. Just eat what we need to survive and not a bite more. Like we are scavengers that have to fend for our selves. We breastfeed our young and then let them get their own food when they needed it. Nutrition would be so easy.

Funny that is what convenience is, isn't it? Make life easier. HA! I laugh at that. How about make life FATTER?! Nothing says easy like "drive-thru". Good nutrition is actually hard work. Not only do you have to learn what proper "materials" are necessary to fuel the body, but then you have to somehow interpret Nutrition Labels. Every food item has a nutritional breakdown of calories, grams, percentages, etc. that tell us if we can consume the item or not. So when I pick up a Kit Kat chocolate bar, what does 7 grams of fat mean? It is just a number, I try to imagine what 7 g of fat would look like. But the shiny red label distracts me from the not-so pleasant image. This is not helping me in my quest to have better nutrition.

Okay, so you finally figure out the label and decide you can eat this food item without guilt. The next step is figuring out how much a person can consume in a day. Why know this? We could just do the South Beach diet and not eat any carbs - and lose weight. We could do the Atkins diet and eat lots and lots of fat, no veggies - and lose weight. Like every diet out there, there are just rules to follow. Eat this, don't eat that and viola, you will be skinny. Why have nutrition labels? Maybe the government could just tell us what we are allowed to eat and we have no choice. Kidding, don't give them any ideas!

I think we should be born with the ability to know what exactly how many calories we are allowed in a day. And we should be taught in school how many calories are in food items. Wouldn't that be cool? Unfortunately not happening in my lifetime, so I better start learning how to take care of myself. I pride myself in learning as much as I can about nutrition, I need to know what my body needs. I had to know why it needs it and how I can change it. INPUT vs OUTPUT. What you put into your mouth and how much you exercise. We all need a certain amount of calories to survive, if we just eat those, there would be no weight issues. But there are; blame the media for those issues. All we see is skinny models promoted by MacDonald's. Did you notice that our Olympic Athletes are sponsored by Wonderbread - is that even bread? Read the label on that package. I KNOW that not one athlete would ever eat white bread full of preservatives!

So now that I know how many calories I need to survive and I know what foods I should eat, why don't I do it? Cuz everything tastes sooooooo good, like chocolate and french fries. I sometimes try to think of myself as a machine, I imagine I just need to fuel to get through the day. There is no real enjoyment in that though. I think I will just think of me as Holly, the mom and business owner that struggles with nutrition daily. I am thinking of me right now, not tomorrow, just this moment.

Wow what a success, I made it through the moment, on to the next.

Blisters and Excuses

Sometimes things happen; like your shoes are giving you blisters on the back of both ankles AND you decided today you would walk to work. Then you have bloodied socks and 2 very raw, bloody blisters. You could get mad and pout about it all day, or just get on with your extremely busy day. You would just be so busy and forget about it until, you have to walk home OR put on your gym shoes.... So, here I am ready to get a workout in, slide my shoes on and scream in agony!!! "%#@&" is all I can squeak out.

I feel like this happens to me all the time when I finally get back into weight loss/fitness mode. I remember one time I rolled my ankle walking down Stephen Avenue. My ankle ballooned into a baseball instantly,it was not good. A homeless man wanted to be my boyfriend while Ben ran to get the car! That incident put me out for 3 months, no activity, alot of food. Now, the blisters are no where near that bad. But you know, it just feels like a small sign, neon kind, flashing "YOU CAN'T DO IT". I know that is ridiculous. I think the honeymoon phase of my weightloss program is over. The realization that I have alot of sweat, tears and blood ahead of me. The blisters are very minor, so minor that a dollar store bandaid will fix up the problem.

There is no bandaid for the way I feel. I know that I feel better when I exercise, I even sleep better. Right now stress is at a low. I feel great. Why can't I just exercise and eat well without any convincing. It is so much work emotionally to psyche myself up and it so EASY to not do anything. My Nutrition Coach, Lars, says that our subconscious plays such a large part of our being. But we prefer to use our conscious mind, it is the logical thought. You know, the excuse maker. If we tap into our subconscious and let it know that YES, I want to exercise and YES, I want to eat better, and YES, I want to lose weight - we will. Lars says it is easy as that. My excuse of bloody blisters is a great one, but come on Holly, they really cannot stop me from exercising!

Habit, means repeated thought or action. I am going to forget the blisters, slip on the shoes and get on the treadmill. I am not going to let excuses get in the way. I want lose weight, I am going to lose weight and I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it.