Lock the Grocery store doors!

I think all grocery stores should be closed during the dinner hour. Yup, make it a law. Shut'em down. That way we wouldn't stop at the grocery store on the way home from work! I do know better than going shopping for food right before dinner time. I was sure this time was going to be different, "in and out" I told myself.

It was all good in the produce aisle, didn't even hit the dairy aisle(cheese, yummy), raw meat and fish - easy, then came the bakery... I am sure they purposely put the brownies, cakes, cupcakes, pies strategically in the way of the good stuff. You have to walk through the goodies to get to the whole grain breads. You go from raw fish smell to the glorious, sweet smell of cake and cookies. My stomach instantly growled, oh what I wouldn't do to have a goodie. I actually stopped dead, and contemplated buying a goodie of sorts. I was even trying to configure a way in my head to make to calories fit into my portion size. Why can't we be realistic in these moments? I would be allowed one mouthful to fulfill my meal caloric intake and all the calories would be from processed sugar. UGH! That sucks. Then my head gets clearer and I think about the chicken and salad I had planned. That bowl was sure alot bigger than 1 bite of chocolate brownie from Safeway.

I went through this process 3 more times before I paid for my groceries. The mental game I had to play with myself was exhausting. At one point, I told myself that it was better to feed myself than starve! Oh ya, poor me, can't wait 10 more minutes to get home and eat a healthy meal. Finally, I grabbed my receipt and got the hell out of the temptation. Only to walk outside to the warm aroma of Teen Burgers... the A&W across the parking lot had the largest, brightest neon signs I have ever seen. It was like a powerful magnet just pulling me towards safety. I think I even leaned a bit forward so my nose could lead me. Crap! Just snap out of it Holly! I firmly set my pace for my car and headed for home.

All the way home I was imaging a law being passed that grocery stores had to close over dinner hour. Everyone had to go home and eat a nutritious meal. Like you would be ticketed or something if you didn't. I think it would work. I would eat a nice meal and then grocery shop on a full tummy and only buy what is one my list. I know I would save alot of money this way. No eating out, no unnecessary food items in your cart, no cravings, yes my world would be easy!

Lars has talked alot about acceptance, meaning I need to accept who I am right now. It is so hard because for so long I didn't like who I was. I mean I liked my family, kids, husband, home, job, etc. I didn't like my image. Sometimes I would just imagine that my brain is really who I am and the body just carries the brain. That is true to an extent but the body does matter. You have to fit into clothes, sit in chairs, hug people, stand in front of a crowd, your body does make you who you are. It really comes down to how you view your own body. How does it feel in those clothes? Why does it matter what you look like when you sit down? Why does it matter if you have to hug someone you care about and cares for you? And if you are standing in front of a crowd, it is probably because they came for what you have to say (unless you are a model). How I feel about myself is what defines what others think. When I met Ben, he was over 200 lbs, and size 42 pants. He was a large guy, I honestly never saw him that way at all. He never felt that way either. He was Ben and I was Holly. When I see pictures now, I almost don't even remember him looking that way at all. I only remember how happy he made me!

I am gong to bed now, feeling great about my will power ( as much as I had) and I am going to give my tummy some love. Yup, I am going to look at it in the mirror and tell my tummy how much I love it!

Drive-thru Nutrition

"the provision, to cells and organisms, of the materials necessary (in the form of food) to support life." That is wikipedia's definition of NUTRITION. To support life. Fuel the body. If it was that easy, why don't we all just do that. Just eat what we need to survive and not a bite more. Like we are scavengers that have to fend for our selves. We breastfeed our young and then let them get their own food when they needed it. Nutrition would be so easy.

Funny that is what convenience is, isn't it? Make life easier. HA! I laugh at that. How about make life FATTER?! Nothing says easy like "drive-thru". Good nutrition is actually hard work. Not only do you have to learn what proper "materials" are necessary to fuel the body, but then you have to somehow interpret Nutrition Labels. Every food item has a nutritional breakdown of calories, grams, percentages, etc. that tell us if we can consume the item or not. So when I pick up a Kit Kat chocolate bar, what does 7 grams of fat mean? It is just a number, I try to imagine what 7 g of fat would look like. But the shiny red label distracts me from the not-so pleasant image. This is not helping me in my quest to have better nutrition.

Okay, so you finally figure out the label and decide you can eat this food item without guilt. The next step is figuring out how much a person can consume in a day. Why know this? We could just do the South Beach diet and not eat any carbs - and lose weight. We could do the Atkins diet and eat lots and lots of fat, no veggies - and lose weight. Like every diet out there, there are just rules to follow. Eat this, don't eat that and viola, you will be skinny. Why have nutrition labels? Maybe the government could just tell us what we are allowed to eat and we have no choice. Kidding, don't give them any ideas!

I think we should be born with the ability to know what exactly how many calories we are allowed in a day. And we should be taught in school how many calories are in food items. Wouldn't that be cool? Unfortunately not happening in my lifetime, so I better start learning how to take care of myself. I pride myself in learning as much as I can about nutrition, I need to know what my body needs. I had to know why it needs it and how I can change it. INPUT vs OUTPUT. What you put into your mouth and how much you exercise. We all need a certain amount of calories to survive, if we just eat those, there would be no weight issues. But there are; blame the media for those issues. All we see is skinny models promoted by MacDonald's. Did you notice that our Olympic Athletes are sponsored by Wonderbread - is that even bread? Read the label on that package. I KNOW that not one athlete would ever eat white bread full of preservatives!

So now that I know how many calories I need to survive and I know what foods I should eat, why don't I do it? Cuz everything tastes sooooooo good, like chocolate and french fries. I sometimes try to think of myself as a machine, I imagine I just need to fuel to get through the day. There is no real enjoyment in that though. I think I will just think of me as Holly, the mom and business owner that struggles with nutrition daily. I am thinking of me right now, not tomorrow, just this moment.

Wow what a success, I made it through the moment, on to the next.

Blisters and Excuses

Sometimes things happen; like your shoes are giving you blisters on the back of both ankles AND you decided today you would walk to work. Then you have bloodied socks and 2 very raw, bloody blisters. You could get mad and pout about it all day, or just get on with your extremely busy day. You would just be so busy and forget about it until, you have to walk home OR put on your gym shoes.... So, here I am ready to get a workout in, slide my shoes on and scream in agony!!! "%#@&" is all I can squeak out.

I feel like this happens to me all the time when I finally get back into weight loss/fitness mode. I remember one time I rolled my ankle walking down Stephen Avenue. My ankle ballooned into a baseball instantly,it was not good. A homeless man wanted to be my boyfriend while Ben ran to get the car! That incident put me out for 3 months, no activity, alot of food. Now, the blisters are no where near that bad. But you know, it just feels like a small sign, neon kind, flashing "YOU CAN'T DO IT". I know that is ridiculous. I think the honeymoon phase of my weightloss program is over. The realization that I have alot of sweat, tears and blood ahead of me. The blisters are very minor, so minor that a dollar store bandaid will fix up the problem.

There is no bandaid for the way I feel. I know that I feel better when I exercise, I even sleep better. Right now stress is at a low. I feel great. Why can't I just exercise and eat well without any convincing. It is so much work emotionally to psyche myself up and it so EASY to not do anything. My Nutrition Coach, Lars, says that our subconscious plays such a large part of our being. But we prefer to use our conscious mind, it is the logical thought. You know, the excuse maker. If we tap into our subconscious and let it know that YES, I want to exercise and YES, I want to eat better, and YES, I want to lose weight - we will. Lars says it is easy as that. My excuse of bloody blisters is a great one, but come on Holly, they really cannot stop me from exercising!

Habit, means repeated thought or action. I am going to forget the blisters, slip on the shoes and get on the treadmill. I am not going to let excuses get in the way. I want lose weight, I am going to lose weight and I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it. I am going to have fun doing it.

Innocence and Playdoh

I had such a wicked day today. Who doesn't love Fridays? It is amazing how you can work hard all week and still have energy. I love my job, I really truly love my job! Today, I was full of pride as we had a staff meeting with all our new team members. I tried hard not to be giddy with excitement while we were planning ALIVE's next marketing and publicity campaign. Everyone left the meeting pumped and ready to take on the world. I love my job.

I am so glad I ended my week on such a positive note. It was so close to being devastated by a sweet, adorable, 6 year old playdate with a cute English accent. Yes, this little boy, so full of innocence, almost ruined my week. You ask HOW? Well, let me tell you! I had helped set up the playmates at the kitchen table to play with Playdoh while I started dinner. Socializing at such a young age is always amusing to listen to. Until the young lad asked my daughter "Why don't you exercise?". Abby replied, "We do." To the young lad answered "No you don't, you are fat. And so is your Mom." I can't remember how fast my head turned, maybe because my jaw was on the floor! I thought breathe, this is only a kid, a very innocent kid that doesn't know any better. Kids tell you how it is. That doesn't mean you have to like it. And I didn't like it. I wanted to tell him to go home, but since I had to drive him, that wasn't going to work. I could of let him know that what he said are hurtful words to friends but not my job to parent him. I bit my lip and let my daughter work it out with him.

I talked about it with Abby after the playdate was over. It was not an easy conversation. The problem was that MY feelings were actually hurt too. Can you believe that I let a 6 year old hurt my feelings. It is not that I feel FAT, I see fat on my body. It is the image that is hard to get around. We are bombarded with images of skinny, skinny, skinny and no happy medium. If you have ever carried weight, there is always an insinuation that you should lose weight. No one EVER says the words "you are fat". Instead we hear things like, the boot cut is more flattering for your curves (your hips are huge), your girls look great in that top(so I don't notice your spare tire), this babydoll shirt is better suited to your shape (look, no muffin top). My heart also ached for Abby, she is built like Momma and she will have some years of battle ahead of her. We eat well but she does need more exercise. She is always tagging along Jayla's soccer games and practices, never has any of her own.

I feel like a horrible parent, I am the role model and all they see is a FAT Mommy. I always tell the girls to love themselves. They don't have self esteem issues, not with a dad like Ben! I just want to make sure that they don't end up like Mommy and never take care of themselves. It has motivated me more to take action. I got on that treadmill this morning with a vengeance and was disappointed I had to get off and go to work! I will not let a 6 year old break me, I will power through like it never happened. But it did and it will always ring in the back of my mind. I lost another pound though, I am almost 160. When I hit 158, I will have a little party for myself. Hmmm, not food, something else. Any ideas?

2 Buffets and a wedding cake

Ahhhhh a computer. Please forgive me, as I have been away with no access to a computer! But I am back and ready to tell about my weekend!

My daughter, Abby, and I drove up to Edmonton for a wedding. We had to rush out of Calgary to make a 2:00pm wedding ceremony. I packed snacks, good ones too! I was so ready for the day, the day of no schedule and no place to eat prepared meals. Ugh, Tim Hortons breakfast - no donut - and then mall food! Oh the choices, seriously, I could have Mary Browns Chicken, A&W, or Chinese Buffet. Yuck!! And I was just so confused and hungry, I chose the Teen Burger combo with a Root Beer, what was I thinking!!!!! Oh I inhaled it like it was the last Teen Burger on the face of the earth. The second I finished; I let out the worst smelling belch EVER, and it tasted no better either. I looked down at the carnage of the wrapper, ketchup droppings and runaway onions. There was no going back. I sat there and contemplated what I was going to do, like I could erase time or something. I think my only option was to go bulimic in the bathroom. But I couldn't do that cuz A. I just spent money on that burger and B. I would be hungry again soon anyway! sigh.... I promised myself, I will watch what I eat at the reception.

Okay, who am I fooling now. Have you ever heard of a portion/calorie wise wedding dinner?! I haven't either. Let me tell you about the buffet, or should I say BUFFETS. There were 2 buffets, yes 2 buffets with perogies, sour cream (full fat by the way), cabbage rolls, chicken in mushroom sauce, prime rib with gravy and endless salads - all with heavy cream sauces of sorts. I was doomed. Done, I think I gained 10 lbs at that moment. I wouldn't of moved forward if there was not some crazy Aunt behind me grumbling at how slow I was. I tried to fill my plate with salad, but it was Caesar Salad with WHITE croutons. 2 lbs there for sure. Then there was more salads with sauces all white and creamy, 3 lbs there. I piled on some olives and pickles to take some space on my GIANT dinner plate. It took everything in my to walk by the cabbage rolls but I came to a dead stop at the perogies. Yup, it was all over once I put the first perogie on my plate. But hey, I passed on the gravy.

Now I know you know the drill, eat a huge buffet dinner and then promptly undo the top button on your pants. Relief, you can breathe. I think the bride was trying to torture me because she sat me so close to the head table under the bright lights, where all 250 guests could see me. I was probably in every shot the photographer took of the happy couple! There was no way I could undo my pants, I couldn't even slouch. I had to sit up straight with my SPANKS cutting off the circulation from my ribs down. I think that SPANKS are only good for keeping food from digesting cuz your stomach is so tightly wrapped as to slim down 2 sizes!

You know what was worse than stuffing myself with potato heaven and sour cream, is wedding cake. Not that awful fruit stuff that has a shelf life of 80 years, the fluffy white kind with the most amazing, sweet to perfection icing,melt in your mouth kind of wedding cake. Guess what every table got after the meal? A plate of wedding cake to share. Seems like that might not be so bad, well let me tell you. My table of 8 had 4 kids - who were already off playing, and 4 adults - where 1 was was off supervising those children. Leaves 3 adults with a plate of enough cake to feed Jayla's soccer team. I played the game, you know, don't want to be the first person to take a piece. The lady next to me was playing the same game, we would smile politely at one another, just waiting. I really did not want cake or need it. I was extremely full. I just have no will power with sweets. I was so ashamed of myself to sitting there contemplating how I was going to get cake with no one watching. Like they would judge me, I will probably never see these people again. In the end, I ate a piece or so, let's leave it at that.

You know, all that thinking is so tiring. I want so bad to just not have to think about it. I want to be able to have the option to eat the cake without guilt or just not even be interested in the cake at all. I want to walk into a buffet and not even think about it and I sit down with my well balanced meal to enjoy with my company. I don't want to wear SPANKS!! I think I will burn them when I achieve my goal. Yes, burn them!

I hit the gym with a vengeance, I didn't even have to convince myself that a workout was what I needed. I worked out hard, did all my reps and sets without convincing myself. I just did it and I ENJOYED it! I drove home today and felt yucky sitting in a car all day. I am hitting the gym tomorrow.

By the way, I only gained 1 lb and I will have that off by Thursday for sure!

static in the dressing room

I survived a 3/4 day of cleansing. I lost 1 pound and it is still off! YES! Thank goodness something came of my torture. I think I will try it again next week and actually do the 2 whole days of the cleanse.

A client asked me today how my weight loss is going. I have to say I was rather ashamed that it is not going well. I actually need to exercise now. I am really dreading the workout, I feel like I haven't worked out in so long. I have decided, I am going to do cardio tomorrow morning, just do it. I will feel great. I know I will, my little devil in the back of my head is actually saying "no you won't, your bed will be so warm in the morning and you won't get out of it to do any sweating in the basement" The weather network says -18 tomorrow, ugh, I just want it to be nice out. I actually want to be outside and get some sunshine on my face.

So I am off to a wedding this weekend. I want to go for the bride was a bridesmaid in my wedding. But I also know there will be many people from the town I grew up in. Cringing, me cringing. I just am really scared to say that I own a successful personal training studio and have people look me up and down. You know the half nod with the eyes quickly scanning the full length of your body. I actually get that so often when I meet people who meet Ben and hear him talk about his wife. When they meet me, there is ALWAYS the half nod and eye stare. Some even say, "you are not what I expected". I know, I know that it is not always judgement. Most of the time they are wondering who would marry someone like Ben (if you have met him, you would know what I mean. If you haven't, Ben is one of those creatures that lacks the power to think about what he says before he says it!) I really do have a wonderful, amazing, sexy husband with a wicked sense of humor.

But back to me, I do feel a little bit ashamed of my body when that happens. I think that I must look like some bikini model for people to think that I fit in. Crazy I know, that is why I am here and trying to get over crap like that.

Speaking of body problems, there is nothing worse than a change room mirror. Come on, who made those things. How do they possibly think that women will buy the clothes they try on when they see themselves in those ridiculous circus mirrors! I thought I would look for a nice top to wear with pants to the wedding. I am definitely NOT wearing a dress! Can you say cankles? That and I got these amazing red shoes from my mom for Christmas. I took a huge pile of potential buys into the change room. Some were very wrinkled (okay, I was at Winners), some have deodorant stains, and then the rest were all very staticky! So to top off the ridiculous circus mirrors, and the wrinkles, there had to be so much static! Any top that could have been the one, was annoyingly stuck to my bare skin. It added more rolls and bumps that I didn't know I could possibly have!!!!!!!!!! sigh......

I eventually found something nice and very conservative. Ben will object cuz no cleavage. That sometimes works, the cleavage I mean. Takes away from the mid section quite nicely!

The last nacho chip in the bag

My day started off great, fruit for breakfast, an hour later fruit, more fruit 1 hour after that. Everything was going fantastic until about 12 noon. I started to feel "funny", not really hungry but like low blood sugar. A headache was forming quickly. I was chugging back the water, ate 2 bananas instead of one. I was determined to make it through the day on my cleanse. I kept telling myself "just get through the day, it is only 1 day".

I think about 1 o'clock I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't concentrate, I was getting cranky. I even told a possible client that was really wavering on cost that maybe a studio like ours was not the place for her....what the hell was going on with me! I would never talk like that to a potential client. (it must of worked for her cuz she bought a package bigger than what she started out with) But still, crankeeeeeee! The gals at work thought I was going through carb and latte withdrawal. I seriously looked around the room at that moment to see if a latte was handy! mmmm skinny hazelnut....

By 4 0'clock I was done for. I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down Nacho chips were the first handy carb. Before I knew it, I had inhaled more than a serving if you know what I mean. oh, the guilt. All that fruit eating to end up with a headache and full belly of nacho chips. I had a very nice salad for dinner and another piece of fruit before bed. I don't think I followed the cleanse to a T but I think I am better prepared to try it again. Oh and by the way large quantities of fruit opens many pathways many times (re: previous entry).

I thought about asking a friend to do the cleanse with me. I decided against it only because we would just be miserable together. And I don't think either one of our workplaces would enjoy that kind of misery! So I will venture on this journey alone. I haven't decided if I will try the cleanse again tomorrow. Let's just see if I can get through the night without sneaking down for spoonfuls of peanut butter.