new year, new me...cliche, ugh!

I still want to do the boudoir shots, but since Christmas I have had to really focus on work. I wish I could find that nice balance of mommy, wife, business owner, and a work out queen! I have had 2 weeks of working out with a trainer and even did a 7km run one day! (how? don't know?)

So here we are in 2010, and Jan is almost over. I am so excited for this year. I just had 5 hours at a business expo and feel ready to rock! It was a hard morning with Abby puking but daddy to the rescue. Ben came home so I could go be entreprenuer for the afternoon. I didn't feel guilty, I felt empowered! Everything was okay, I still got business done. I am getting much closer to a balance. A fellow business owner commented on how she could feel the "take charge, ready for action" vibe from me! I love it. I just got to keep it rolling.

I learned a few things today. A presenter said "people do business with people they like", and you should be able to tell in the first minute. It was funny as I walked through the exhibits, I approached every table and tested that out. If I approached with a smile and was reserved, I got more reserved answers. If I approached with enthusiasm and energy, I got that energy reciprocated. And if I approached and the business was not very responsive or couldn't keep eye contact, I felt no connection. It was like they were looking around for other people. Easily distracted. So I decided I must make an impression, I walked through three times in total and made conversation with the people that made the most impression on me. In the end, people were asking for my card for themselves and friends as I walking out of the conference.

The other thing I really learned, was take lunch! It was 5 hours with no food, I was so shaky and so far from home. I had a long trek home in rush hour deerfoot traffic. So I needed food. I drove around a very unfamilar area and ended up at Wendy's...ugh. I didn't even enjoy it and I am sure I will pay for it later. But that is what happens when you are NOT prepared. I really didn't think I would stay that long at the expo, but I really enjoyed myself. (just to clarify, not the food, yuck).

I look forward to my next adventure.

Stair Climbing

It is a good start to another week. Christmas is no officially on it's way with all the snow and Dec 1 tomorrow. The week is off to a good start. I had my work out tonight and it was fantastic! Kendra really kicked my ass! Kids are happy and asleep all is well. Just need husband home to make it even better,soon he will be.

I wasn't sure how my idea of the boudoir photos would settle in my thoughts. But I told people today, and yes, I AM pretty excited. I wrote my list last night of all I want to do to prep - like gel nails, some tanning, maybe some waxing. I definitely want an absolutely amazing piece of lingerie. I want it to be out of this world. Maybe I will wait for Boxing day sales to find a wicked piece. I am really excited, I am almost giddy! I like having a real goal and not a 'weight loss' goal. That seems like such a general goal. I almost say it and think it for a week or two and then lose interest. I believe these photos are a more tangible goal for me. I can almost picture myself posing, make up, hair, lights flashing. It really makes all the working out and nutrition seem like the steps to climb up to my goal. You don't actually focus on each stair like it is a struggle or a challenge. The focus is at the top of the stairs. and when you get there, you don't just stop, you carry on to the next flight. Hmmm, I like it. I love it. I think I climbed my first step by putting my plan into motion.

Goal this week: Cardio 3X and 2 weight classes,
Goal tomorrow: TRX class in evening

Time for sleep, my body is aching from my workout.

I'm Back

I gave up writing because I got weirded out how people felt connected to me by reading my blog. But that is what a Blog is all about. It wasn't really everyone, it was only one person and now that person is a blip in the memory. It wasn't anything major that happened, it just made me think being more reclusive is better. That kinda sucks for a social girl like myself. I have been away a long time, and I really threw myself into being busy. Somehow, I forgot about all the people close to me and how much I loved doing other things other than work. Don't get me wrong, I love work and everyone there. but today I saw a friend who had a baby 7 weeks ago and I hadn't even bought a gift or saw the baby. I felt really stupid mumbling that I let time get away from me. But that is the truth, I did think about her and the baby, but would tell myself that I am too busy and will do it next week. Now I fill crappy for not doing it in the first place.

Today opened my thoughts to alot of things, I have put my own goals on hold for, well pretty much forever. I love doing things for other people, I love helping people, it makes me feel so good. So why do I feel so crappy when I eat crappy food, skip exercise, not sleep, be stressed, etc - I do it to myself. Why don't I care about ME? I met a photographer that does boudoir photography and I REALLY want to have my picture taken. I love looking at the women in Playboy, the pictures are tasteful and so empowering and sexy. I want a super hot picture of ME! I want to do it, more than I have wanted anything.

February is my goal, 3 months. I am going to talk to the trainers on Monday. I want a specific program, I need a hard line with me, I want focus and determination. I have to eat right. That is so hard for me, I fall off the food wagon all the time. I start out great and then I dump off or rather jump off. I had a Whopper tonight. It is like I pushed the voice telling me "don't do it, you will regret it, you will feel like shit afterwards" right out of my head. Complete denial. And YES I do feel like shit!

I am going to keep writing in this blog, whether it is read or not. Point is: I like it and it makes me accountable. I am going to set daily, weekly, monthly goals every time. Whoa, I sound like I mean it... and I think I do this time.

Goal tomorrow: put away laundry, make healthy dinner, grocery shop, pick up good book from library.

Goal for the week: 2 training sessions and attempt some cardio during the week, increase water intake, make meals and carb load in the morning.

Goal for December: 2X week training, 2X week cardio, drop calories to 1500/day, organize my schedule to reflect workouts, food log, DROP 8lbs by Dec 31.

Wish me success!

"Pound" that stress out

It has been a long time since I last wrote! I am definitely feeling guilty about that. It was part so busy since Ben is away (the virgin islands, figures?!) and part not wanting to face my challenges. I was asked recently "how do you do it all?". I started rambling about my daily duties, and thought to myself "am I crazy?". My day starts as Mommy, waking up 2 sleepy non-morning loving children and forcing myself to get my day started too. Sometimes I have to coax those children out of an early morning meltdown just so I can start my day stress free! Then we drive to school and drive Macleod Trail to work. I try to squeeze an 8 hour work day into 5 hours and drive Macleod Trail again home. We start homework and dinner, which are easy, then it is either some extracurricular activity or I need to work some more. Bath and Bedtime, and the usual toothpick in the eyes to stay awake and clean the kitchen or laundry. Only to start all over again. This is the struggle of every Working Mom. We still have to make the lunches, listen to stories of "he said/she said" of school day interactions, drive to playdates and sports, get the groceries, think about healthy meals, remember birthdays and other relevant events, coach soccer, and the list goes on. Daddy's definitely have their roles too but they don't do the little everyday things that kids still need a mommy to do for them. Kids don't care if you are working or not - whether it be necessary or by choice.

What does all this mean?? Guilt. Yup, it is guilt. We never eat the last pickle in the pickle jar, even though we really want it! This guilt is always there for me. And now I am adding the guilt of not working out and not following my meal plan. The one thing that I was able to do, was avoid junk food. Until last night...I needed groceries and Friday night at 9:00pm was the only time I could get there this week. I was soooooo tired, and just plain exhausted from this past week, I gave in. I think I actually stopped at the front door to plan how I was going to cheat. Fortunately I was too tired to make a well executed plan of attack. I just wandered aimlessly picking up my usual purchases - salads, fruit, bread - and then I walked through the rest of the bakery. There is was, a lemon poundcake. It was so pretty sitting there, glistening (that is icing if you were wondering)like a ray of sunshine! I thought it would be nice to share with my company. LOL!

I have to say I am embarrassed by my thought process after I picked up that cake. I was planning how I was going to strategically place the cake on the checkout counter so that it would packed first and thus last in my trunk. Then I could just grab it out of the trunk and start eating it in the car before I drove away!!! Hilarious actually, ludicrous really?!! I didn't actually do that, thank god!! It is funny now, but I was 100% serious at the time. I just imagine myself ripping open the package and picking up the whole thing (I had no utensils or napkins) and eating it in the driver's seat of Ben's car. The crumbs would be flying and I would be planning how I was going to vacuum the car before Ben got home! I did take the cake home and I did share it, but my piece was definitely more generous than everyone else's!

Some sort of perfection

Today I was told I am "perfect" and it was not by my adoring husband or children! It was said by Lars, my bodymind hero. I actually asked him what is it going to take to get me to my goal? Why can't I just do it, just dream it and do it? That is when he said "you are perfect..."

So I heard the word "perfect" and all time stopped. His mouth was moving but all I was hearing was the word "perfect". Now this is just crazy talk - I am NOT perfect. I know that for a fact. At that moment, my heart sank, I was fighting back tears. Why on earth would anyone but my husband/children/my mother, say that. He let me chew on that for a moment. I asked myself, what is perfect? What is my perfect? Oh, I can see, the sunkist, tanned, rockhard body, ready for a Playboy centerfold! Come on, that is all what we think about. Walking down some exotic beach in a string bikini with the perfect breasts and tight ass, not a millimeter of cellulite. I can tell you that I think I missed the boat on that one - no perfect breasts anyway after 2 kids and weight gain!

Lars went on to tell me that the reason I am perfect is where I am at in my life. I am a mother to 2 beautiful girls, wife to an amazing husband, business owner of a truly a kick ass company, soccer coach, personal trainer, instructor, etc, the list goes on. With all that I have, it means nothing if I am not happy. And guess what, I am happy!!! I have so many things in my life that fulfill me. Another part of that perfect is that I have to tools to deal with stress, I am very aware of myself and those around me. So this is my perfect. Now Lars says once you reach perfect, your goal is just that much easier, more attainable. Lol! I went from gasping for air, almost bawling, confused, to breathing a sigh of relief. I could actually take breath and breathe.

Just throw that perfect centerfold in the recycle bin, and relax. That is what I am going to do. I know I am going to sleep better tonight. The giant, ugly monster of perfection is behind me. Okay, it has only been 12 hours, I better let all of this sink in first!

Also, I didn't hit the treadmill, I did a CardioFunk and a little Bollywood dance class with Jayla's soccer team (all 11 year old girls). I had such a blast shaking my jelly roll like I was Britney Spears with the young girls. I even moved from the back of the class to the front because I didn't want to miss a thing. I don't think I knew that my hips could do that much shaking, I know the girls didn't know that! We will see how I feel tomorrow. This could be fun for more adults! I giggled the whole hour!

Excuses

It has been a couple of days now, and I haven't been writing. I have been avoiding actually. I was afraid to write and tell how I was feeling. My mom came to visit and I was ready to throw everything out the window. I would "forget" to prepare meals for my lunches. I stopped taking my supplements. I stopped eating my 5 meals a day and slipped very comfortably back into 3 meals a day. I was just ignoring all the signs of losing my drive for weight loss. I would even walk by the scale in the bathroom, like it wasn't even there.

UGH...I am so disgusted with myself. What is worse is that I am back to 1 bathroom stop every two days. My tummy feels like a cement block. I am so bloated and uncomfortable, I can't stand it. I feel very strange in my own skin. I hate this feeling. The biggest problem is how I so easily let my weight loss goal become a non goal. I was very happy to let my mom visiting be my excuse. It is not HER fault, it is ME!!! Excuses, excuses! Excuses are non-tangible weapons we use on ourselves to as sabotage. They are just words, yet I use them so freely. I think it is Dr. Phil that says "let's get real with ourselves". What do I really want? Do I want to be skinny or do I want to be happy? I know happy is the answer, why do I think "skinny" is the answer. It will not solve my problems if I am not happy with myself. But I know I am not happy at my current weight, my goal is realistic. 130 lbs. I can do it.

First step is get on the treadmill tomorrow and prepare meals is the second. Ben is away for the next while, I will have time to prepare some meals for myself. Then book 2 training sessions this week. Only 2, I can do it, 1 hour out of an entire week. This is my promise for myself this week.

Take that pressure and shove it!

Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment ALL the time? You know, set a goal - which is good, but then put time and physical restraints on it. It just creates pressure, and more pressure, until we are ready to explode. Or panic sets in. Yes, PANIC. Sometimes that goal becomes more than just a goal. It becomes an expectation, a standard that must be met. Like our lives will depend on it, or everyone is depending on you to achieve that goal. F&%@! I just wanna scream!!!!

So how did it get to the point of panic? It is so easy to forget our journey, we never remember the good stuff. We can start a goal with many people around us, cheering us on. Asking how it is going, wanting to show their support. We love it, it feels good. Then we hit that bump, it feels like a mountain. In retrospect it was only a bump. But at the time, whatever small issue that happens easily grows into something more. You know that game of tag, where the person who is it, tags a person. Then they have to hold hands and catch the next person. A giant chain of people are connected to together trying to catch everyone. Suddenly, it becomes complete CHAOS because you can't control the chain of people. Everyone wants to go their own way, nobody works together to catch the last few people. Yup, that is what it is like when stress hits when you are working towards a goal. CHAOS=PANIC.

I have a friend trying to achieve a goal. The people around her are excited for her. People encourage her and listen to her journey. This helps her, it is great support. She deserves nothing less. So now you add TIME, it is getting closer to her goal. The pressure to achieve her goal is getting greater. There is less time to prepare, there are more people "supporting", more eyes on her if you want to say. The process is all over more intense. Then 1 small bump in her road sends a domino effect of emotions and pressure straight to her psyche! Oh ya, panic is setting in. She is getting unwound by a couple of nuts, I am not kidding. I think it is cashews actually.

See her goal is a physical one, she needs to train incredibly hard and eat a strict diet. She does everything right. the time is creeping on her and the pressure is intense. I know she doesn't like all of the people around her worry about her. I think she is worried we see her as weak. She is so wrong - she is so STRONG, determined, focused, funny, happy, and beautiful! And guess what? Human. She will achieve her goal whether it be now or in a few months, she will do it. She is like all of us, it doesn't matter what your goal is. It has to be for yourself or not at all. Who cares what people think, if all you see is the fat girl in the mirror. Time to toss the fatgirl mirror and get the "this is me" mirror.

I got stressed this week too, and I gained back 6 lbs. Yes I am ashamed to say all 6 lbs. I bought a bag of peanut M&Ms. But that small bag did not put 6 lbs on my ass, the not eating and drinking WAY too much coffee did. I didn't prepare one meal this week. I only ate 2 or 3 X a day. I didn't fuel my body, I starved it and stuffed it full of stress. I was so close to panic, so close to saying forget it and buy another bag of M&Ms. My friend helped me to stop and reassess my situation and just deal with the stress head on. I feel so much better and I am going to thank my friend for helping me. Thanks KP!